Who knew. It’s already halfway through 2022. I came across a workshop called The Art of Forgiveness and thought it would be a good thing to host at this point in the year because we’re on the way out of the door, and might as well give ourselves some grace and space to forgive so we can move on.
When it comes to forgiveness, a rule for me is best encapsulated by the following quote:
“Forgive all who offended you, not for them, but for yourself.” – Harried Urs Nelson
I gave an example of clenching one’s fist - when we hold onto things like anger and/or fear, or any feeling that involves some tension, at some point, it starts to hurt us. A clenched fist becomes cramped after too long or it starts to lock into place. It’s not a good feeling. Don’t believe me? Try it.
The act of forgiving someone is more for yourself, so you can move on. It doesn’t mean you condone it. It doesn’t mean you forget. You can very much remember it and still forgive. You can still disagree yet forgive. These two opposing thoughts are polar opposites, yes, but you can still hold both of them true. You have to get to know yourself in this process of forgiveness. I would argue that the better you know yourself, the easier this will be.
Knowing yourself. Do you know what sets you off? Do you notice things like a racing heart beat? Signs of stress? I bring this up because the forgiveness process does begin with recognizing that is happening to you when you are in pain or distress. This is a call to action even before words are spoken. Once you recognize these factors you can evaluate the need to move past and forward. Is this okay for you? Do you want to move on? Are you okay? If not, then maybe it’s time for action.
We started the conversation with questions to ask yourself about forgiveness. I asked folks to think about a grievance they had with someone. This, of course, promoted some vigorous discussion. This happens. ;-) Here are the prompts:
Have you considered forgiving that person for what occurred?
Are you willing to forgive?
Are you ready to forgive?
Do you want to forgive? Would you if you knew how?
What would you need in order to forgive?
As we discussed these questions, it was clear that many of us were in a ‘maybe’ space - that it would take some work to get to that point - that we have considered it, we might be willing, might be ready, but not sure if we want to right now. It’s okay. All things in time, right?
Lastly, we discussed steps to forgive. Here are the steps for your consideration:
Think about what happened.
Acknowledge all of your feelings. There is often anger lurking behind any hurt or sadness you might feel.
Express your feelings - write them out, talk to a friend or simply allow yourself to feel what you feel.
Accept responsibility for your own emotions. Although you were wronged and your emotions may be justified, it is still up to you to decide when you're ready to stop feeling angry or upset.
If possible, talk to the other person about the behavior that upset you and how it made you feel. The odds are that you won't feel truly ready to forgive until you know this person has heard and understood your perspective.
Try to understand the other person's perspective, even if you don't really agree with it.
Rebuild trust in the relationship. Make agreements about acceptable future behavior whenever appropriate.
Make the decision to forgive, and communicate your forgiveness to the other person. Once you've done this, make every effort to move on and let it go completely.
We spent a lot of time talking about #4 - the only thing we can control is our own feelings. We can’t control anyone else. We can’t control their response, their awareness, their ownership. But we can control ours. If you can focus in on that forgiving and moving on is so much easier. I found this bit of advice helpful:
Avoid a defensive reaction by first venting your emotions outside the presence of the wrongdoer - this will help the interaction to be more productive.
It always help to give yourself some space to breathe before you go into a conversation with someone, especially one that’s contentious. Remember your goal is to forgive and move on, not have it blow up into something bigger to the point where you forget why you were upset in the first place. Hope this helps!
Sources for content:
http://www.ehow.com/how_4415_forgive.html
Eileen Barker, The Forgiveness Institute