Before we jumped into the work, I shared a story, one I’ve heard in different iterations. Seems fitting to share it here.
Two monks are walking down the road. They arrive at a muddy stream crossing, and a well-dressed woman declares without introduction, “Don’t just stand there. Someone carry me across this mess.“
Without pause, the older monk lifts her across. She says nothing, not even a thank you.
The two monks walk all day. The whole time, the younger one stews in his mind—How could he pick her up? We’re not supposed to touch women, or even talk to them. And she was so rude, someone should say something to her, she didn’t deserve our help.
Finally, arriving at the inn for dinner, he can’t hold himself back. “What were you thinking?” he asks his friend. “She was nasty, and you broke the rules, and she didn’t even say thank you.”
The older monk smiles gently and replies. “Wow, I put that woman down hours ago, but you’ve been carrying her all this time!”
We carry around things more than you realize, so pause a moment to recall the things you are carrying with you today. I told a story about how I just toss things in my purse and eventually it starts to feel heavy, so I have to unpack it from time to time. Our thoughts and ruminations are often like that, we carry them around until they feel heavy and we need to deal with them.
I decided to cover anger first and the consequences of carrying around anger and resentment. It’s natural for us to feel a sort of way when we are wronged, but to carry it without resolving or understanding it causes us to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms that affect others around us. Anger takes energy - emotional energy and physical energy - stuff that is already in short supply. To do anger work requires significant patience and a willingness to do the interior work/self-reflection to understand the nature of our anger and how we can move through it.
Forgiveness looks different for different people:
Time: how long it takes to manage and work through it
Method/Approach: how we do teh work
Understanding: how we come to an understanding of our anger
Knowing this, you need to consider your own approach to dealing with your feelings. I always highly recommend that you find a trusted counselor to walk you through this, as this work can be difficult on your own.
Two points came up in my research:
Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you or making up with the person who caused the harm. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.
and
Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life.
Both of these generated a lot of conversation in the chat - I truly wish we could be in a room to have these conversations! Forgiveness doesn’t require forgetting - our poll suggested that this was the case for most of your forgiveness styles. Sitting in your anger/upsetness can limit your ability to be present for others, not to mention the daily joys that pass you by as you stew over your situation. How much can you regain by letting go? Probably a lot.
We closed out a stream with a meditation that started with ourselves, after taking a few cleansing deep breaths to center ourselves:
I forgive myself for not understanding.
I forgive myself for making mistakes.
I forgive myself for causing pain and suffering to myself and others.
Then we moved onto the forgiving the other:
I forgive you for not understanding.
I forgive you for making mistakes.
I forgive you for causing pain and suffering to me and to others.
If at any point you feel that it’s too much, and it might be, allow yourself to go to your breath work again, and find your intention/mantra. Return when you can, without judgment.
Offer yourself kindness and patience. Offer yourself relief.